Cy | Illinois

Images by Katherine Emery

 

"I want to have the body confidence to just jump up on a log and walk across it, or to do a cartwheel when I'm happy, or just not give a crap if I lay out on the lawn and soak in the sun."  

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I have never forgotten for one second of my life that I am big and unattractive. Mirrors have always been my nemesis. Just looking at my reflection long enough to part my hair and put on some basic eye makeup has been a challenge. I spent my teen and early twenties as a raging bulimic, hiding my disease like I would a torrid affair. My body story has always been one of hatred and humiliation.

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I want to just not care about my body. Not stand at a bus stop and worry about the cars passing by and if the passengers are judging me for my weight. Not care if my shirt gets caught under my purse strap and rides up, exposing a bit of my skin. Not panic when entering a dressing room. I want to be confident enough that I choose the seat in the restaurant across from the mirror, and have no problem watching myself eat or knowing that other people can see my reflection, too. I want to have the body confidence to just jump up on a log and walk across it, or to do a cartwheel when I'm happy, or just not give a crap if I lay out on the lawn and soak in the sun.

I am stronger physically than I have been for many years as a result of weight loss. The project helped me see that even though I change physically, I also need to change my self image, which is a very deep crater for me to climb out of! Writing about my journey helped me take ownership of it, and see how damaging it is to my confidence. I liked stepping back and reading about another person's experience as well. It made it much easier for me to draw it out of myself!

-- Cy

Portraits of Cy by Katherine Emery