Kaila | Bellingham, WA

Images by Jen Hecht

"Love and acceptance healed me. I want that same love and acceptance for all parts of myself. I want it for the scar on my back, the place they took the muscle that would heal my leg. I want it for my curvy body, which has always been a difficult thing for me to accept.  ...It is strong. It is beautiful. It is loving and deserves love in return. Without my body, what am I?"

From Kaila:

"When the accident happened, I felt like body had betrayed me. I felt like my life and youth and joy for living were finished. I had been ushered into old age suddenly and horribly in one of the most beautiful places on earth. A year after the accident, I started to question my survival. Why didn't the log crush all of me instead of just my leg? My body ached. I could feel the onset of rain. My leg was stiff and unmoving. Feeling out of control and eating my emotions, I gained weight, which added to the feeling of unworthiness. Who could see my scarred, broken body and find me beautiful? Even I could not.

For almost two years I rarely touched or interacted with my leg. It grew cold, swelled up, and stiffened. I called it my franken-leg. It was a modern, stitched-together medical miracle that was also hideous and lumbering. When I began to touch it at the insistence of an acupuncturist, it began to come alive again. It took a while, but eventually, it was the same warmth as the other part of my leg and the swelling had gone down immensely. 

Love and acceptance healed me. I want that same love and acceptance for all parts of myself. I want it for the scar on my back, the place they took the muscle that would heal my leg. I want it for my curvy body, which has always been a difficult thing for me to accept. I want it for me lumpy thighs where cysts and hard places formed after the accident. I want to be free of the mental masturbation that is worry and criticism of my body so I can reach a higher consciousness. 

My body has been there every step of the way, fighting for me. It carried me through my adventurous early twenties, allowing me to explore a matriarchal society in China and experience psychedelic breathing in Joshua Tree. It allows me to hug and play with my niece and nephew, and to find peace through meditation and intentional living. Touch is one of my favorite love languages, and I use my body to more fully connect to those around me, be it a lover or a friend. My body fought off fevers and convulsions and kept me breathing when my lungs and heart were drowning in fluid. It is strong. It is beautiful. It is loving and deserves love in return. Without my body, what am I?"

-- Kaila

Images of Kaila by Jen Hecht.