Tania | Portland, OR 

Images by Lindsay Stark

"'You're never moving to another body; this is it. Love the house you're in'.  Such a simple statement, but it had a profound impact on how I viewed my body.  I love reminders about living in the present instead of waiting for something to happen -- Be Happy Now. Yet I had never thought about it in the context of my own body. I was trying to be joyful now DESPITE being less than satisfied with my body, instead of being joyful now BECAUSE of everything my body has done for me. Gratitude makes all the difference."

From Tania:

"My old body story was: I was Not Enough.

Hair was not straight enough, face was not symmetrical enough, skin was not clear or even toned enough, eyebrows were not thick enough, and thanks to an eye injury that left me blind in one eye, one eye not open or straight enough. Arms not toned enough, breasts not perky enough, tummy not toned enough, bottom not small enough, thighs not thin enough. Short, dumpy, frumpy. Unattractive. Undesirable. Not tall enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not enough. 

I felt stuck in this body that look different in the mirror to how I felt in my head. In my head, I felt strong and healthy, but when I looked in the mirror, or saw pictures of myself, I saw cellulite, belly fat, and a big rear end. I felt frustrated and depressed. I had spent my whole life hating my body -- it was exhausting."

I want to be more grateful for what my body has done for me; it is the vehicle with which I have birthed my babies, carried them on my hips, run after them, and held them in my arms. It has provided me 42 years of steady service: of breath, of life, of sight, of sound, of touch. 

I want to be unselfconscious, free-spirited, and carefree in my self acceptance. I want to be self confident, self assured, and comfortable in my own skin. 

This feels like Freedom.

What shifted during the project:

"'You're never moving to another body; this is it. Love the house you're in'. Such a simple statement, but it had a profound impact on how I viewed my body. I love reminders about living in the present instead of waiting for something to happen -- Be Happy Now. Yet I had never thought about it in the context of my own body. I was trying to be joyful now DESPITE being less than satisfied with my body, instead of being joyful now BECAUSE of everything my body has done for me. Gratitude makes all the difference. 

This project brought to the surface thoughts on why I felt this way. It's sad that girls, from a young age, are taught to hate their bodies. Middle schoolers can be heard lamenting about their body parts they don't like, and it is an expectation that all girls contribute to this exercise, whereas young boys and men are more likely to show off their muscles with pride. It would be seen as boastful, arrogant, and just plan wrong, for young women to praise their own bodies to others, or accept a compliment without in some  way being self-deprecating, and yet, as grown ups, we admire women with self confidence, and find it appealing and sexy. So why, when we think it's attractive when women love their bodies, do we work so hard to make sure young women hate theirs? This makes me want to not just be quietly appreciative of my body, but verbally appreciative in front of my daughter. 

I think it's funny that after starting this project, I had several instances that reminded me of it. An article about why I should wear my swimsuit regardless of how I feel about my body (because my kids want me to play with them, and don't care what I look like), inspired me to wear my suit and jump into the lake with them this past week. Another one about making sure to get into pictures instead of avoiding them (again, my kids will want  pictures of me, and I have been sad to only have a few pictures of my own mom), was a good reminder to ask to have pictures taken of me with my kids, for THEM.  Be Joyful Now."

-- Tania

Images of Tania by Lindsay Stark.