Anonymous | Vancouver Island, British Columbia

Images by Karen McKinnon

"The only thing that tethered me to this life when I was afloat in the darkness of my broken heart and shattered mind was love."  

I have battled a lifetime of being told I was too big...even when I look at photos now, I see this young girl who was chubby but because she was part of families that were super active and fit...I was always the odd one out...I am from divorce so was being sent back and forth on weekends...one side of my family was trying to pay me to lose weight at the same time as telling me that I was an embarrassment for them in front of their friends...the other side when I would visit would be doing crazy fit activities that I found difficult to keep up with and was then belittled for not being active or fit enough.....during my late teens and dating years...I looked the best I ever had...it was after having children that I started putting on real weight...again..uncertainty of being a mom...am I doing things right, second guessing, family telling you how you should be doing things..separation from family and moving across the country to get away from that influence..and then hitting an all time high of weight gain...last year I lost 115 pounds...accolades and admiration has shone down on me...now I have become awesome in peoples eyes and I am proceeding to put weight back on...more upset with myself now at this stage because of my lack of self control then when I weighed 115 pounds more...so then along comes this Body of Work project with Karen...it has been very enlightening and I nod my head in affirmation of all the things I am supposed to embrace and realize and let go of and strive for...and this now adds another level of disappointment...I get it...I really do, and I really want to be able to put it in to practice...but I am not getting it...I am not fulfilling the way I have seen and heard others do...I have learned a lot...I am doing kinder self talk and asking others to do so for themselves...I am aware of my body in a different way, a strong body that allows me to maneuver through this earth and have loving children and husband, to have a successful business, to drive around in my sports car and enjoy fun clothes...but I am still a work in process...I have not had my epiphany and I feel a bit of a failure for that...so the circles goes....

...it has been very enlightening and I nod my head in affirmation of all the things I am supposed to embrace and realize and let go of and strive for...and this now adds another level of disappointment...I get it...I really do, and I really want to be able to put it in to practice...but I am not getting it...I am not fulfilling the way I have seen and heard others do...to walk around in my body and not be constantly aware of it's misgivings...rolls of tummy fat and thigh fat, neck, arms...I want that just to be part of who I am...but I don't feel good in that body...I still want to work on this body...make it stronger, slimmer, healthier...not for anyone else but me....I think in a way, all of the yearlong attention from everyone set me up...made me feel good but it got tiresome...not sure about that one...

...I have learned a lot...I am doing kinder self talk and asking others to do so for themselves...I am aware of my body in a different way, a strong body that allows me to maneuver through this earth and have loving children and husband, to have a successful business, to drive around in my sports car and enjoy fun clothes...but I am still a work in process...I have not had my epiphany and I feel a bit of a failure for that...so the circles goes....thank you for the inspirations...the ideas...the journaling, the messages and posts from others..it makes me hopeful that I too, one day will get to a place that others seem to be getting to...some day..

- Anonymous

Portraits by Karen McKinnon.