Eloisa | San Antonio, TX

Images by Ginger Diaz

"This project has showed me awareness in how I can every day make a better choice of words when I describe my body... I would never dare using those cruel words with anyone else."  

I always have been insecure about my body; hell, who isn't? As I got older I have learned to quiet down these negative thoughts but they are always there, deep inside, waiting to come out in days when I need kindness the most. People tell me I am beautiful. They tell me my daughter looks just like me, trust me, my daughter is truly beautiful. Why can’t I see my own beauty... is my brain distorted?

I was born and raised in Spain, where being perfect is almost an obsession, where men are attracted to tall, blond, skinny models, and I have never been that. I am short, brunette, with big breasts, always thought to be less than until I met my tall, blond, handsome American husband. Opposites truly attract. He has spent years telling me that I am beautiful, 32 years to be exact. Why can't I see what he sees????

I want to wake up in the mornings going about my day with out worrying about my back fat, my large breasts, my not so tight tummy, just not worrying about my body and how others perceive it will be heaven, pure bliss and paradise. I am okay and happy with myself when I am home alone, I even feel comfortable enough to walk around naked, but as soon as I have to get dressed to step outside my door, well, that is where the struggle begins. I want to find peace and be able to harmonize my body with my thoughts! Why can’t we all just get along? 

I always had this nagging negative voice inside my brain reminding me constantly how my body is not perfect. Sometimes this voice is quiet, sometimes is dormant but during this project this voice was awake and loud helping me remembering the past, how everything started, revealing the hatred I have felt about my body for years, very sad really. 

I can't control my negative thoughts, they are a powerful beast sometimes, but awareness of my nasty words will no longer be ignored, I feel powerless when the brain takes over.... However, this project has showed me awareness in how I can every day make a better choice of words when I describe my body... I would never dare using those cruel words with anyone else why do I allow myself this nasty habit???

- Eloisa

Portraits of Eloisa by Ginger Diaz.