MC | Montreal, QC

Images by Davina Kudish

"I know that I would feel more comfortable with myself twenty pounds lighter, with more muscle mass, stronger. But why not love myself where I'm at now PLUS when I will be where I want to be? "  

I've always struggled with my weight. But I think keeping busy is how it didn't affect my life too much. In high school, I played sports competitively, took part of several extra curricular activities and worked part time. Now, I have my full time job as a photographer/studio manager, accepted to help teaching in college twelve hours a week and just adopted a high-energy two year old lab/golden mix! 

When I find myself with down time, alone, that's when I can look at myself in the mirror and analyze every inch of my body. And that's when I don't like what I see. I scrutinize my thighs, and wish they were smaller. I scrutinize my sides, and wish I was fitter. I scrutinize my arms, and wonder, "when did they get so big?" 

I expect a lot from my body. I expect it to keep up with my hectic schedule. To stay fit despite eating out and lacking exercise. I recently had my second hip surgery, and everyday I ask my body to play nice, to go through all the physical therapy, to get back to my previous activities...all this without showing an ounce of pain. I'm a perfectionist, I want to feel good, I want to look good, and this no matter what the situation is.

I realized, with this project, that my body is an amazing thing. It has allowed me to experience so many things, from scenic views when traveling, to delicious meals shared with those I love most. Everyday, it is healing from a second major hip surgery. I know that I would feel more comfortable with myself twenty pounds lighter, with more muscle mass, stronger. But why not love myself where I'm at now PLUS when I will be where I want to be? I would not be mean to someone who I'd like to friend in the future, so why should I be harsh with myself now, expecting I will be nice with myself later? I want to show my body the respect it deserves, the love it should have always had. I want a new chapter to begin. One of self acceptance. I wish to have those quiet, alone times, where I look at myself in the mirror and focus on all the amazing things my body has done/is doing for me.

(This project) made me realize how I had such a negative view of my body, despite being a super positive person in life. Everything I've experienced... it's all thanks to this body and I haven't really given it any credit. It's never too late to start. I'm happy this project has finally made me stop, think and look back how I've been treating it. I'm looking forward to loving myself in the now, and appreciating where it will take me. :)

-- MC

Portraits of MC by Davina Kudish.